


The Choice Is (Not) Ours

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Caring, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Parabatai, Pining, parabatai love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27024904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: Growing up in the Shadow World leaves you with few choices. You are raised to be a soldier; a warrior with no possibility to be anything else, and so all the more the choices you can make matter. You can choose your friends and enemies. You can choose your Parabatai. You can choose if rules matter more to you than love. Or if it is the way round.A story that follows Jace and Alec throughout their childhood until they finally have to decide what they want to be for each other: just Parabatai or even more?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51
Collections: Malace 101





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kissa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/gifts).



> For Kissa: I hope this is the soft Jalec you had in mind 💙
> 
> Thank you so much, Jessa, for being my beta 💙

Growing up in the Shadow World was not easy. You didn’t have a choice if you wanted to belong to that world or not. You just were born into it. Born to Nephilim-blooded parents, the choice was made for you - you were Nephilim. And Nephilim had one task to fulfill, a task given by the angels themselves: protect the world from evil. What sounded glamorous and like the right thing to do was, in everyday life, full of violence and conflict - full of blood, ichor and death. So full of those things that the lines between good and evil became blurry until it was hard to see the lines at all. 

You didn’t get to choose what you wanted to become when you were a grown-up - not like mundanes did. There was no choice to make if you wanted to become a doctor, a firefighter, a baker or a manager. The only choice you could make was if you wanted to become a soldier or a leader - and most of the time that was also taken away from you. With the right last name - or the lack of it - the path was set; either someday you followed the right name into battle or you led yourself.

There was also no choice if you wanted to be a child. Children had no place in a world full of deadly threats and demons. As soon as possible, the child was moulded into a warrior, a soldier. They needed to learn how to fight: with weapons, with hands, with words. Not being able to fight meant not being able to survive - and did not every parent want their children to live? Even the Nephilim ones? So they made their children train. Hard, merciless. As soon as the first runes covered their bodies at around the age of ten, nothing of a mundane childhood was left. 

Growing up in the Shadow World was also lonely, especially growing up in the New York Institute, far away from Idris; with its other Shadowhunter families and kids. And also far away from loving parents who were too busy looking for remedy, and the possibility to regain power among the Clave, to look after their children. But at least Alec and Izzy had each other. They were as close as just brother and sister could be without being given a different choice. 

Alec was twelve when his life changed for good. He was in the training room in New York, alone, as so often. His parents were supposed to be in Idris, taking care of something they hadn’t cared to tell him. Izzy had a private lesson with their tutor, Hodge.

Alec frowned at the target that stood in the far corner of the room. Something was off with his shooting today. The bow with which he was practising was his favorite but somehow he seemed to miss the bullseye each time. Not by much. But even the slightest miss felt like a failure. Alec knew he had to be the best. He was a Lightwood, he was born to lead. 

He straightened his back, nocked another arrow and was just about to shoot when the door opened and someone slipped into the room. Alec was so startled by the sudden appearance - he should be alone in this part of the Institute - that he turned slightly and accidentally released the arrow. 

“Wow,” the boy said, holding up one hand. Their eyes met and Alec had to swallow. There was something in those mismatched eyes that made Alec hold his breath. The boy was smaller than him, probably also a little younger. He had an aura of untouchability around him, but his eyes spoke a different language. There was a vulnerability hidden just beneath the iron surface. “I’m Jace,” the boy added, his eyes not leaving Alec’s. “And we’re on the same side.” He gestured towards the arrow that had flown in his direction and thankfully missed him. 

Alec narrowed his eyes a little while he took in the sight of the boy. Jace. It took Alec only a couple of seconds to make his choice. Without really having to think about it, he knew with the last fiber of his being that he, too, wanted to be on the same side as this boy. 

“I’m Alec. Same side, huh?” A small smile appeared on Alec’s face. 

“Same side,” Jace nodded. “But you really should work on your fighting skills. You missed the target by miles. Here, let me show you.” 

With an iplicitness that left Alec speechless, Jace strolled over, took the bow out of his hand, took one of his arrows, nocked it, released - and hit the target spot on. Jace turned to Alec, a smug smile playing on his lips. “See. That’s how it is done.”

Alec huffed and rolled his eyes. “You are not really familiar with how to make friends, are you?” 

A defiant glare replaced Jace’s smug expression. “What do you mean?” 

When Alec smiled at him, Jace seemed to relax a little and carried on. “You know, I don’t have much experience with making friends. I never had one.”

“Same side, remember. No need to get riled up,” Alec gave back, swearing silently to himself that he would be that friend Jace never had. Without really knowing why, he knew he would love this boy - just because no one ever seemed to have loved him before. 

“Great. So you teach me how to make friends and I teach you how to shoot properly.” The smugness had returned and Alec couldn’t help but laugh incredulously. With a huff that lacked real annoyance, he took the bow back to show Jace that he was capable of handling his own weapon.

* * *

As it was, Jace didn’t need help making friends. Alec and him clicked in all the right ways and also Izzy was easily convinced that three were better than two. Jace and Izzy shared the same streaks of recklessness and inkling to break rules, making them partners in crime and leading to a close friendship. The rare occasions they met children from other Shadowhunter families, Jace had no problem making everyone want to become his friend as well. He was cocky - and skilled - and he had the ability to shine in front of others like not many had. Just to special people, Jace showed his darker side. Just to Alec, to be specific.

Jace and Alec clicked, but what made Alec completely fall for Jace was not the way they fought together or trained; not the jokes Jace cracked that made Alec laugh or his cockiness that made him shake his head. It was this dark side that came to Jace at night, that made him toss in his sleep and wake up with tears in his eyes and a scream on his lips. 

At first, Alec was unsure what to do about it. He stayed in front of Jace’s door several nights, listening to his tossing and turning, to his muffled screams and the gasp with which he always woke up. He stayed outside in the cold hall, not knowing what to do. Not knowing if he should go in or stay where he was, too shy to just follow his heart and enter. 

But when, on the fourth night in a row, the gasp turned into a sob, Alec gathered all his courage and pressed the door handle down, glad that Jace had not locked the door. He stepped in. Alec’s eyes needed a moment to adjust to the darkness in the roIom. Jace sat upright in his bed, a glassy expression in his eyes and stared into the nothingness. He flinched when Alec stepped tentatively closer. Nervously, Alec rubbed over his face, a little lost as to what to do. Alec’s eyes darted through the room and settled on the book that lay on Jace’s nightstand. 

“Shall I read to you?” Alec asked tentatively, still a little unsure if he had done the right thing with coming in, but braver now with a plan of action.

“What?” Jace’s voice sounded thick with unshed tears. He blinked rapidly a few times at Alec, clearly trying to contain himself.

“I could read to you. When Izzy was little, and she had nightmares, it always calmed her when I read to her.” Without waiting for a response, Alec grabbed the book and sat down next to Jace.

“I don’t have nightmares.” Jace glared at him, but he moved a little so that Alec could lay down beside him.

“Sure. I’ll read to you nevertheless.” Alec smiled at Jace before he took the book, opened it at the side the bookmark indicated, and started to read. At the beginning, they were both tense but the longer Alec read, the more Jace and he relaxed. Alec had a soothing reading voice and he carried on until he heard Jace's breathing getting heavier and his own eyes starting to flutter. He really wanted to get up and go into his own room; but the next time he opened his eyes, it was already morning.

It became their ritual. Jace waking up from nightmares - that he denied having - and Alec slipping into his room, reading to him until they both fell asleep. It was months later that Jace finally admitted his nightmares and told Alec about what was haunting him. About his father who had raised him even harsher than the average Nephilim, about his pet falcon his father had killed in front of his eyes. About the pool of blood he kept seeing in his dreams. His father’s blood, that had gathered among Valentine's feet while Jace was hiding, and watching his father being killed. 

When they grew older, Jace’s nightmares became fewer but they kept sleeping together anyway. Not every night. But whenever one of them was unsettled, or they just felt like it, one snuck into the other's bedroom and the other just moved to the side. Making room in the bed as they had made room in their lives.

* * *

“I have to ask you something.” Jace’s eyes burned into Alec’s like only Jace’s could, with an intensity that never failed to leave Alec a little breathless. They were older now, a little closer to the warrior and leader they should become. A little more men than the boys that had met in the training room. Alec was sixteen and Jace fifteen when their lives took another turn for good. A turn they would never regret, even if especially Alec would doubt the wisdom of their decision several times.

They sat on Alec’s bed, Alec’s head resting comfortably at the headboard, while Jace sat at the foot, fidgeting a little nervously with his stele while he stared at Alec. As so often, Alec felt his cheeks warm under the intense glare. He knew he shouldn’t flush, not when Jace was looking at him, but he couldn’t help but do it. He had no idea when his completely platonic feelings for Jace had changed into something else, something more. Something he was afraid of, as he knew he shouldn't have those feelings - at least not towards another boy.

He saw the glances Jace shot pretty girls and Alec knew he should look too, but even though he tried to force himself - there was just no spark. Not like he felt with Jace, where a single brush of his fingers or a quiet smile that Jace only smiled at him could set him on fire. 

Alec raised a questioning eyebrow at Jace, indicating he was listening and wanting him to go on. Jace scooted a little closer, leaning in so that their faces were very close. 

“Do you want to become Parabatai?” Jace asked with a smile, but the usual confidence was missing from his voice, replaced by a slight hint of insecurity. 

“With you?” Alec couldn’t help but blurt out. The question took him completely by surprise. Once, when younger, he had fathomed finding someone who was his soulmate. Whom he wanted so close that even connecting their souls wouldn’t be frightening. And it wasn’t fear that made him frown. It was the other feelings that kept him from saying  _ yes _ immediately.

“Yeah, with me. Whom else?” Jace had his armor of cockiness ready in place, but Alec saw the flash of hurt that crossed his face. 

Alec bit down on his lip so forcefully that he tasted blood. He nearly gagged at the metallic flavor, making him swallow a few times to keep the bile at bay. He was internally torn like he had never been torn before in his life. Normally he was someone who made his mind up quickly, knowing what he wanted - or knowing what was expected from him. But this was different. This was life changing. Something that could never be undone, no matter if his answer was  _ yes _ or  _ no _ .

Part of him wanted to scream  _ yes _ , part of him wanted to say  _ no _ .  _ No _ because he was not sure if his feelings for Jace weren’t already way too gone for being Parabatai. But he saw the hurt in Jace’s eyes and he had no idea how to tell Jace  _ no _ without hurting him further. He was not ready to tell him about his feelings either - not when he himself was not truly ready to consider them. What they really meant. If this was love or just intense feelings for a friend who meant the world to him. 

Alec had no real idea of what love was. The marriage of his parents seemed cold to him, more a strategic arrangement than what Alec thought - hoped - love should be. As cold as they were towards each other, as cold as they were towards their children - more interested in their fighting skills than in their personalities - the only love he knew was the one between him and his sister. And between him and Jace. So how was he supposed to know what he was feeling? He just couldn’ make this decision. Not just yet, not without a little warning ahead. 

“Let me think about it, please. I… I just need to think it through. Please, I just need a little time.” Alec tried for a light tone, but the closed-off look on Jace’s face told him that he hadn’t done a good job. 

“Sure. Take all the time you need.” Jace had sat back the moment Alec hadn’t said  _ yes _ instantly, and now he withdrew even further. There was an unnatural gap between them, a gap that pained Alec, but he wasn’t sure how to close it. 

“Well, it’s been a long day. I’m going to sleep.” With that, Jace stood up and headed for the door, not waiting for Alec’s answer, nor looking back at him. He just stood up, went to the door, opened it and closed it with a soft thud behind him.

Alec stared at the spot where Jace had been sitting just seconds ago, full of hope and joy. Feelings he, Alec, had crushed by not being able to give Jace the answer he needed to hear. An answer Alec also wanted to give but just couldn’t. Not with his own confusing feelings lingering in the back of his mind. 

Sighing, he grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around himself. Even though the blanket was fluffy, the cold feeling inside him remained, no matter how tightly he wrapped himself in it. With a groan, he slammed his fist into his pillow but it didn’t help. Jace would help but he was gone and Alec had no idea if and how he was supposed to fix this mess. Because saying  _ no _ , which he probably should do, would broaden the gap, making Jace retreat even further. Saying  _ yes _ would… well, it would end things before Alec even dared to let them truly begin in his head. 

This night, when he strolled over to Jace’s room, to slip in like nearly every other night, he found the door locked. For the first time since Jace had come to live with them, he had locked the door. The cold feeling inside Alec turned into ice. He stood outside Jace’s room for several minutes before he turned around to go back into his empty room, swallowing around the lump in his throat and blinking feverishly to keep the prickling in his eyes at bay. 

The lump in Alec’s throat stayed even when he woke up the next morning. He went by Jace’s room just to find Jace already gone. Alec chewed on his lip while he was heading for breakfast, rubbing at his eyes tiredly as he had not slept well without Jace next to him. He was hoping to see Jace sitting at the table with his usual smug smile on his face but Jace’s typical spot was already empty, only a half-drunk coffee mug on the kitchen sink indicated that Jace had already been there. The knot that had formed in Alec’s guts tightened, as did the lump in his throat at the sight of the mug. He bit his lip more forcefully and sighed before he turned around to leave, skipping breakfast entirely. He couldn’t stomach food now. 

The training room was also empty, so was the library. Today they didn’t have official classes so Alec headed to Jace’s room. He really needed to see Jace. To see that they were still  _ Alec and Jace _ like they had always been since the day they had first met. Alec was just about to press down the door handle when he paused. His hand was trembling slightly when he grabbed the handle tighter, only to retreat a second later. He didn’t think he could handle a locked door again. As much as he needed Jace right now, as much he couldn’t take another rejection. Instead he went to the training room, hoping for Jace to show up there as well. Hoping Jace wanted to see him as well. And hoping the physical drain would lead him closer to the answer he knew he needed to give - or at least grant his brain a short reprieve from thinking about it. But Jace didn’t show up and the training did nothing to ease his mind.

After having skipped breakfast and lunch, Alec was really hungry when he went to the kitchen to grab dinner. His hunger subsided only when he found his sister in the kitchen, again no trace of Jace. But Alec was glad that Izzy was back. Izzy had spent the day with Maryse in Idris, thankfully now filling the silence with her chatter about what they had done and whom she had met. The solitude of the New York Institute was way harder on her than on Alec or Jace. 

“Have you seen Jace?” Alec couldn’t help but ask when Izzy interrupted her monologue for a second to take in a breath. 

“Jace?” Izzy raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t he have been with you? What happened, Alec? Normally you two are inseparable.” 

Alec chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating whether to tell Izzy or not. But in the end, it was Izzy and she would find out anyway. And he could do with a little advice, as he was not closer to an answer than he had been the day before when Jace had dropped the bomb in his lap.

“Jace asked me to become Parabatai.” He couldn’t meet her eyes and looked away, but he could hear her excitement.

“That’s wonderful, Alec. You two are made for each other!” Izzy beamed at him, but when Alec just shrugged, her eyes darkened.

“What’s wrong, Alec? Shouldn’t you be exhilarated?”

“Yeah, I should, shouldn’t I? But I don’t know, Izzy. Is this the right thing to do?” Alec managed to drag his gaze from the wall and look at his sister.

“I don’t understand, Alec. You are so perfect for each other. The only reason I can imagine you two shouldn’t become Parabatai is… oh.” The realization dawned on Izzy, especially when Alec blushed. “So you…?”

“I don’t know, Iz,” Alec interrupted her. “It would be so much easier if I just knew for sure. And Jace is not talking to me right now. He is hurt that I didn’t say yes immediately and I understand that. I would be hurt too if it was the other way round. I’m just scared that if I screw it up, no matter what I say, that I will screw us up.”

Izzy was silent for a while. “I think, Alec, you should really consider saying yes. The way Jace looks at girls - I just don’t think he is into boys. And you two, as I said, you are made to be Parabatai. I don’t think you will ever find someone more suitable for you, or anyone at all. And I know you've wanted a Parabatai since you were a little kid. One day, Alec, you will find someone who loves your heart and soul.”

“But you don’t think that this person is Jace?” Alec had a hard time meeting her eyes.

“I think Jace loves you, Alec. Just not like that. But that’s also why I don’t think you have to worry about screwing it up. I don’t think that is ever going to happen to you two. You’ll always figure a way out to make it work. To make you work. No matter what you’ll decide.”

Alec gulped. Izzy was right. Jace flirted with girls at every possible opportunity. He was not into boys, least into him. He loved him. But just not like that. “Thank you, Izzy. I really hope you are right and that I haven’t screwed it up already.” 

They cleaned up the kitchen in silence before Alec went back to his room. It was already dark, but he wasn’t tired. He fetched the book he was currently reading, something about the early wars between the Seelie Queen and the Unseelie King, but he couldn’t concentrate. With a groan he threw the book on his drawer as the door to his room slid open and a familiar figure slipped in. The knot in his belly loosened a little when Jace settled down next to him. 

Jace licked nervously over his dry lips. “I’m sorry, Alec. I just thought… you told me you wanted to be a Parabatai when you were little, so I just figured you still wanted that. But if not, or not with me, that’s fine. Really.” Jace let himself fall so that he faced Alec now, their hands nearly brushing. “I don't want to ruin what we have, Alec. You’re my best friend. And I know I acted like a jerk.” 

A small smile tugged on Alec’s lips at Jace’s words, but they also tugged a little painfully at his heart. Friends. Of course. What else? “It’s not that, Jace. I just needed a little time to think.” 

“And did you think?” Jace looked at Alec, still a little weary.

“Yes. I want to be your Parabatai, Jace!” Alec sounded firm, a little firmer than he actually felt. The thought of the  _ what if  _ still lingered in the back of his head. What if Jace did want him the way he wanted Jace.

“Even if I have acted like a child?” A radiant smile contradicted Jace’s words of doubt.

“Yes. You’re fifteen. I think you are still allowed to act like a child sometimes.” Alec grinned at him. The happiness he saw on Jace’s face made the ache in his heart vanish, the  _ what ifs _ retreat further.

“I think I was never really a child. I think neither of us was.” Jace said thoughtfully, before he made himself more comfortable on Alec’s bed. “So you are sure? Parabatai?”

“Parabatai.” Alec’s answer came without hesitation.

When they fell asleep, their hands closed the gap between them and their fingers interlaced. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jace nudged his Parabatai in the shoulder, who just huffed in response. Jace knew Alec hated occasions like this. Occasions where they were supposed to mingle with the other kids in Idris. Maryse and Robert Lightwood were attending a huge Clave gathering, the annual Clave meeting for all Shadowhunters over eighteen. It was one of the rare times they brought Izzy, Alec and Jace with them to Alicante, the capital of the Shadowhunter’s home country, Idris. 

Like most wealthy and old Shadowhunter families, the Lightwoods owned a huge manor a little outside of the City Center of Alicante. They lodged there during their stay and Jace knew Alec would prefer the solitude there to the bustling atmosphere here - here being the huge training center next to the City Hall where the adults met to decide the fate of the Shadow World for the next year. The training center was full of laughter, grunts and groans and the air thick with sweat. Jace’s body flexed in anticipation. He didn’t mind the people or the looks they got, but he felt Alec tensing next to him. He wished he could spare him the public training, but Maryse had given clear orders. They were supposed to socialize. Jace grinned when he imagined Alec’s eye-roll at the word.

Jace nudged Alec again, the grin deepening when this time he got the famous eye roll in response. They stood close together, like they nearly always did. When they walked, their little fingers brushed every other step, when they talked to each other, they leaned in so that one could smell the other. Being close held no discomfort for them; on the contrary,  they needed the proximity. Their souls were entwined, there was no room for personal space. There was just room for them. 

They had been close before the ceremony but becoming Parabatai had deepened their bond manifold. Jace had never thought that he would be able to feel such a deep love. Raised by his father with his mantra of ‘to love is to destroy’ and later by the Lightwoods who were less cruel but still cold and withdrawn, love would have been an abstract concept to Jace - if it hadn’t been for Alec.

Feeling Alec now rooted in his soul was an experience no one had prepared him for. He still remembered the first time he had truly felt Alec. 

His own soul had been ripped apart painfully the moment he had finished the last vow of the sacred Parabatai oath and for a moment it had felt like dying. For a moment a darkness had overshadowed him, threatening to claim the empty spot in his soul. But then Alec’s soul had crashed into his, taking its rightful place in his inner core and a light had radiated from it, so bright that he had had to close his eyes - though the light had been just within himself, invisible to the others who witnessed the two boys being reborn as Parabatai.

He had sunk to his knees, caught by Alec who had fallen on the floor himself, struggling with the same kind of emotion of being teared apart only to be put back together again in a way that felt more right. They had just held each other until their hearts had attuned to the same beat, until their breathing was synced and the lines between Jace and Alec had become blurry. 

They had learned to keep the lines sharp after a while, knowing that it was important to stay separate people. But the need to be close - to touch, to feel, to smell - had never vanished since. And they had also had never tried to delineate , feeling no need to be more apart than necessary. 

“Wanna start with blades?” Jace asked Alec quietly, leaning in as usual. Jace had one hand clasped around Alec’s upper arm, their foreheads were nearly touching when they heard them. Three Shadowhunters around their age, seventeen or sixteen, were huddling together in the corner of the room, watching Jace and Alec intently, laughing at them.

“Look at them. Too weak to be warriors on their own. They should get a room. It’s disgusting,” the oldest boy said with a sneer, gesturing with his chin in their direction. The others just laughed but when Jace turned and glared at them, they shut up instantly. 

Probably Jace and Alec both would have let it slide if the kids had shut up then, but the oldest boy, Maurice, didn’t know when to stop. He was the oldest kid of the Aschwoods, an old Shadowhunter family that ran the Parisian Institute. Apparently he tried to impress his friends by being bold. Jace had seen him before. He had caught Maurice stealing shy glances at him when he thought no one was watching, always quickly turning away with a blush when Jace had looked at him.

“I mean, I kind of understand why someone wants to be Wayland’s Parabatai. At least he is a great warrior. But the other one? What’s his name again? Lightweight? Never mind, I always forget it. He and his family are just not important. Never will be,” Maurice carried on, not sensing the discomfort of his friends or not caring either way. He was the oldest and was used to his younger siblings listening to him and admiring him. If they didn’t, he made sure to use his position as the family’s heir, and his strength, to remind them painfully of who was in charge.

Jace turned back to Alec. “Let them talk. They have no idea what being Parabatai means. Or do you want me to deal with them?” A challenging gleam had settled in his eyes when Jace registered the faint blush on Alec’s cheeks and the rapid movement of his Adam’s apple, indicating Alec’s distress. Jace didn’t care what the others thought of him, of them - but he knew Alec did, especially when they targeted him specifically. Him and his name. Jace had no issues with using his powers to put someone who was troubling Alec into place, knowing too well that no Shadowhunter their age was a match for him - except Alec.

Alec swallowed again, clearly struggling with the decision he was going to make. But when he spoke, his voice was firm. “No, Jace, I will deal with him. I’m a Lightwood. He’ll learn what that means. And I was supposed to socialize, wasn’t I?”

Jace just laughed lightheartedly. “I don’t think that this was on your mother’s mind when she told us to mingle, but yeah. I definitely think you should socialize and show him what you are capable of. I’ll have your back if necessary. But he’s no match for you. Teach him a lesson he will not so soon forget,” Jace said encouragingly as he watched Alec stroll over to the wall where the three Shadowhunters still stood, though one was stepping uncomfortably from foot to foot, clearly not knowing whether to flee or stay.

Alec straightened up while he was walking over, using his full height to intimidate the others. “What did you just say to your friends?” He towered over the other kid, making Jace smile proudly. He had also come closer, to interfere if necessary, but he knew Alec had this.

Maurice looked at his friends for support but both had taken a step back, obviously not planning on getting involved here. What a pity, Jace thought. He could have done with roughening them up as well; his blood was already warming with the familiar urge before a fight. At least Maurice was not backing down easily, straightening up now as well and glaring back at Alec, his chin raised defiantly.

“I said you two are weak and disgusting and should get a room. No one wants to see this.” There was a hint of fear underneath the challenging tone; not much, but Jace picked it up and so did Alec. 

“Weak, huh? Well, I don’t care what you think about me, I really don’t. But you are not insulting my Parabatai. Nor my family name. It’s Lightwood. But I’m sure you’ll remember it after today. Let’s settle this like real Shadowhunters do. In a training fight, shall we?” Alec spat at the boy, all mixed feelings gone, replaced by plain determination.

But Maurice had never been someone to play by the rules. Instead of accepting the challenge to a proper match, he swung his fist directly at Alec without preamble. But Alec saw it coming, he ducked under the blow, shifted his weight slightly to the right, clenched his own fist and aimed at Maurice’s jaw. A satisfied smile appeared on Alec’s lips when he heard the pained grunt the other made when he met his target. Instead of giving him time for a comeback, Alec danced a little to the side and rammed his left elbow into Maurice’s face. The satisfying sound of a breaking nose filled the air, but Alec had little time indulge in his victory.

“What is going on here?” The cutting voice of Instructor Blueshade interrupted them. Unnoticed by the little group, she had closed in on them, her eyes resting on Alec whose arm was still raised and covered with his opponent's blood.

“Nothing. Maurice just tripped and Alec helped him.” Jace directed his most radiant smile at Instructor Blueshade. A smile that normally didn’t miss its target, but apparently Blueshade was the exception and immune to Jace’s charms.

“Cut the crap, Wayland, and stay out of this. Otherwise you will get punished, too.” Jace was just about to reply, when Alec’s hand clasped around his forearm, squeezed it tightly and when their eyes met, shot him a warning stare. The message was clear.  _ Stay out of this.  _

“You two. My office. Now.” Instructor Blueshade’s tone left no room for interpretation and the two boys followed her without arguing, Alec’s eyes burning into Jace’s with a last warning while he walked away. With a satisfied smile, Jace noted that Maurice’s nose was still bleeding.

* * *

Jace slipped into Alec’s room in Lightwood manor after having finished his training session and having showered. Izzy was in her own room, already preparing to leave again - there was a huge unofficial party going on, an event that took place every year when their parents gathered for their annual Clave meeting. Jace suspected the adults knew but tolerated it as long as it didn’t get too extreme. Which meant no alcohol or other drugs and definitely less fun. Nevertheless, Jace had looked forward to it - they had few opportunities to go out and just be regular kids for once. 

But now the party was forgotten. Restlessly Jace paced up and down, waiting for Alec to return. The longer it took the more anxious Jace got. Finally he made himself comfortable on Alec’s bed, trying to read the book Alec had just started and had left on the bedside drawer. He sighed silently in relief when the door to Alec’s room opened and his Parabatai slipped in. Alec looked up with a startled expression in his eyes when he saw Jace lying on his bed.

“Jace,” Alec asked a little confused, “shouldn’t you get ready for the big party?” 

Though Alec tried to hide it, Jace saw the stiffness when Alec strolled over to the bed, slumping down next to him.

“And not wait for you to return? Sometimes I doubt that you know me at all,” Jace replied indignantly, but without heat in it. 

He pushed himself into a sitting position, while he fished in his pocket for his stele. “Here, let me.” With gentle fingers Jace pushed Alec’s shirt up, exposing his defined abs and an already ebbing Iratze. Jace brushed over the rune tenderly while he sighed. They never talked about it, but he knew Maryse and Robert punished Alec when they thought he had misbehaved, or, the even worse crime, had dishonored the Lightwood name. 

“Turn around,” he ordered softly but firm, ignoring Alec’s huff, nudging him until Alec gave in and rolled over on his belly.

“I already applied an Iratze.” Alec stated, as if Jace didn’t know that. Iratzes were a blessing and a curse. A blessing because they healed wounds, a curse because most Nephilim parents thought corporal punishment was acceptable, as long as they healed their child afterewards, forgetting that some pain stung worse than any flesh wound.

“And I’m your Parabatai. My Iratzes work better.” Jace bit his lip forcefully when he saw the fading marks of belt welts that covered Alec’s back. He wasn’t surprised to find them, though he hated it. He hated that Maryse and Robert did this to Alec. He hated even more that he had no possibility to stop this. But at least he had the possibility to heal whatever traces they left behind. He let his fingers run over the marks, a small smile tugging on his lips when he felt Alec relax under his touch. With swift movements he applied an Iratze, relishing the soft moan Alec would deny having made if asked. When the rune started to light up and burn, a golden glow emanating from it. The stains of Alec’s punishment vanished further, until only soft, pinkish skin was left behind.

“Good as new.” Jace brushed over Alec’s back once more before he reluctantly drew away. Lately the urge to touch his Parabatai, to feel him, smell him, taste him had gotten stronger and Jace had to remind himself that they were Parabatai. Closer than blood but never boyfriends. But though he had no idea when it had started, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Alec looked when his warm hazel eyes gleamed and his cheeks flushed whenever they trained. Or how his rare smiles could light up an entire room.

“So what did Blueshade do?” Jace kept their unspoken pact and didn’t ask about Maryse and Robert.

Alec rolled over to the side, so that he faced Jace now. He shrugged. “Nothing too bad. She didn’t buy Maurice’s lies that I was the one attacking. She gave us a lecture about the honor of Shadowhunters in general and the honor of families who run an Institute in particular.” Alec rolled his eyes. As if he hadn’t heard that multiple times before. “She made us train together to  _ overcome our issues.  _ Then we had to clean all used weapons from ichor. I swear they keep a stash just for punishments. And of course we needed to do it  _ together.  _ That boy is a prick, I can tell you. And then she informed our parents.”

“And did your parents say anything else - apart from giving you the same lecture Blueshade gave you?” Jace raised a questioning eyebrow.

Alec rolled his eyes again. “They grounded me. I’m fucking seventeen. So I am not allowed to go  _ anywhere  _ until I have learned to behave and honor our precious name.”

Jace couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, if it wasn’t also very sad, it would be hilarious. Thinking they can punish you by making you stay away from a party. The real punishment would be to make you actually go!”

Alec grinned now himself. “True. But you can go. You don’t need to stay because of me.” 

“Better not. I don’t know if  _ I  _ could behave if I saw that brat. I hope you broke his nose.” Jace snuggled a little deeper into the bed.

“I did.” A smug smile played around Alec’s lips.

“Well done, Parabatai. He can be lucky though that I didn’t punch him. I would have broken his jaw,” Jace said with a wink, but only half joking.

“I bet you would have. Uh, I think the fake smile he had plastered on his face while talking to Blueshade will haunt me in my sleep.” Alec stretched his sore muscles, not being able to contain the little yawn. 

“Here. Read to me to make the nightmares go away.” Jace tossed him Alec’s book he had been reading before.

Alec laughed. It had been a while since he had read to Jace, but the smile that settled on his lips was genuine. “I won’t have nightmares.”

“I also never had nightmares. Go on now, Alec.” Jace grinned at him, while he made himself even more comfortable, rearranging the blanket that both were covered by.

“Why do I have to read when I am supposed to be the one with nightmares?” Alec complained, but he had already opened the book and leaned his head against the headboard, his legs covered by the blanket and Jace’s eyes on him.

“Because you have the better reading voice. And now stop whining and start reading. I am at page 40.” 

Alec just shook his head, but the smile stayed while he started to read, not minding at all that he had read that part already. And neither did Jace mind that he missed the party, being wrapped up in Alec’s voice was so much better.

  
  


* * *

The older Jace got, the harder it was to ignore his growing feelings for Alec - feelings that had little to do with them being friends or Parabatai. It was especially hard when sometimes he picked up feelings in their bond from Alec that mirrored his own. Too deep, too longing to be just  _ parabataily _ . Yet, both danced around the issue, avoiding the topic. Too afraid of what admitting the truth would cost them. Jace tried to distract himself with girls - but without much success. The yearning burning inside him stayed no matter what he did. Sometimes he even felt emptier than before after he had found release with a nameless girl. 

It was Alec whom he wanted, not just anyone. But no matter what angle he looked at it from, the main problem stayed the same. It was forbidden. There was a strict law against Parabatai committing eros - a law Jace wouldn’t care about too much. Rules were there to be broken. But there was also a curse that doomed them to become monsters, true Nephilim in their purest form. Huge, mammoth-like warriors that were made to fight demons of archaic origin that had long vanished from earth. True Nephelim were angelic warriors that destroyed evil, but as soon as no evil was there to destroy anymore they turned to what was left: family, friends, lovers, the whole world.

As every other Shadowhunter, Jace knew all the gruesome stories about true Nephilim. Hodge, their tutor, had told them about them, so had Maryse and Robert, but the emphasis lay on telling. Jace didn’t find a single piece of written proof that a curse even existed. All he found were more tales but never sources or real, proven incidents. All the stories seemed more like mundane fairy tales that were told to scare the kids away from dark forests. 

After the fifth futile attempt to find anything concrete about the curse in their huge library at the Institute, Jace started to get suspicious. It wouldn’t be the first time the Clave lied about something, even something that huge. On his quest for emotional distraction, Jace had met several Downworlders and they all had stories to share that made Jace doubt the many truths the Clave wanted them to believe. He still remembered his heated discussion with an ancient warlock, Magnus Bane, who had just laughed when Jace had told him that Henry Branwell had invented portals. In fact it had been Henry but with Magnus as an equal partner - a fact that the Clave liked to forget to mention. Though it was logical, a portal wouldn’t work without a warlock.

So when Jace didn’t find a trace of the real curse, he decided to check other sources. He talked to seelies, vampires, werewolves - and again to Magnus. And all had the same reassuring but yet frightening answer for him: there was no curse. Reassuring because nothing would happen if Alec and he crossed the line from Parabatai to lovers, frightening because he no longer had an excuse to not act on his ever growing feelings. 

But before he managed to work up his courage and talk to Alec, his life started to fall apart. On a mission they met a mundane girl with the sight, who later proved to be a Shadowhunter. Briefly, everyone believed she was his sister - a sister he had never known he had, but still. And though he had always had Izzy, and still had her the thought of having someone related to him by blood had been exhilarating. 

His world crumbled when in the end the truth came out and all had been a lie. Just as the father he believed dead proved that he was neither dead nor his true father. Jace’s last name changed from Wayland to Morgenstern to Herondale in the blink of an eye, until Jace had no idea who he was any longer. Jace even died and was reborn, feeling both changed by this and the same. 

Yet, his own death wasn’t the end of things. There was still Clary’s brother - her real brother, a man who carried the same name as Jace did. A man raised by the same father. A man who planned to carry on their father’s legacy and enslave or destroy the Downworld. While everyone prepared for the inevitable war, Jace just felt lost. He had been ripped from everything he had known to be true and left with nothing but an empty last name, his last relative dead, leaving no one alive who could teach him what it meant to be a Herondale - if it meant anything at all.

Jace lay on his bed with his eyes closed. He was exhausted. Since Jonathan Morgenstern tried to gain control over the Shadow World, demons were invading New York in hordes and they had more missions than ever before. At least it didn’t leave him much time to think. Jace didn’t open his eyes when he heard his door opening and someone quietly slipping in. He knew who it was anyway. He would recognize Alec’s quiet footsteps everywhere.

“Move.” Alec nudged him gently in the side and Jace complied with a groan. He moved over to make room for Alec. Tiredly, Jace blinked his eyes open to find Alec’s worried gaze on him. 

“Hey.” Jace smiled weakly, too tired to pretend otherwise. 

“What’s wrong, Jace? You weren’t at the debriefing.” Alec sounded concerned, though Jace knew that this was not about him missing a debriefing. He knew he had acted strange lately, withdrawn; trying to come to grips with who he was and who he wanted to be. Who he was supposed to be.

“I just…” His voice trailed away and he propped himself up on one elbow, facing Alec who had settled down next to him. “Sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore, Alec. I have no fucking clue. First I was a Wayland. Then a Morgenstern. Then I had a sister. Then I had neither a sister nor am I a fucking Morgenstern. Apparently I am a Herondale and should be happy about it. Shadowhunter royalty, whatever that means.”

Alec watched him closely, his eyes fixed on his. Jace instantly felt better. He wondered why he had waited so long to talk to Alec about the mess that was his life now. When Alec brushed an unruly strand of hair out of his face, Jace trembled inwardly and he had to bite his lip to stifle the moan that wanted to escape.

“Well, why don’t we look at the things we know, Jace? I also have no idea what it means to be a Herondale, but nevertheless I know who you are. First, you are my Parabatai.” 

Jace smiled at Alec’s words. Yeah.  _ Parabatai _ sounded good. 

“Then you are the cockiest and most reckless person I know. Shut it Jace,” Alec continued more feverishly when Jace opened his mouth to interrupt, just to close it again. “You fucking died and I don’t know anyone who died and came back. So we can add this to the list. You are the boy who lived.” 

Both chuckled at the reference, a reference they wouldn’t have caught a few months back, before their lives had taken unexpected turns and mingled more with the mundane world than they ever thought possible.

Alec had leaned in closer, their faces were only inches away now. Jace could smell Alec. His damp hair indicated he had just showered, the scent of Alec’s shampoo mingling with Alec’s true essence; something sweet mixed with herbal spice. They were both quiet now. They just lay there, facing each other; their breaths attuning to the same rhythm and their hearts picking up pace simultaneously. 

Jace saw the way Alec opened his dry lips a little to lick over them. Jace’s eyes followed the movement of Alec’s Adams apple and he had to swallow hard himself. 

“You know what I really would like to add to that list?” Jace’s voice trembled a little, but he had made up his mind. There was no curse he had to fear. There was just Alec, as there had always been Alec. Jace reached with his hand to cup Alec’s face and draw him just that little bit nearer, narrowing the distance which still separated them.

“I really want to be the first person who kisses you, Alec. I want to be your first in all the things that matter. The first to tell you how beautiful you are. The first to do this,” Jace nipped at Alec’s earlobe, peppering soft kisses to Alec’s jaw until their lips were only an inch away, “and definitely the first to do…”

Jace smiled when he got interrupted, his lips effectively sealed by Alec’s, who had closed the small gap between them. Soon the smile was gone, Jace being too busy kissing Alec back. Coaxing Alec’s mouth open so that his tongue could explore every part of it. Both moaned when Jace let his hands wander under Alec’s shirt and a jolt of joy ran through their bodies, originating in their Parabatai rune.

“There’s no curse,” Jace managed to mumble in between kisses. 

“I know. Just lies, so many lies,” Alec whispered back.

But it seemed Alec didn’t want to let himself get distracted by discussing this topic further, and neither did Jace. Instead, he pulled Alec on top of him, getting completely lost in the sensation of being so close. Of the feeling of Alec’s rough lips on his bare skin, moaning softly when Alec kissed every inch of his body. Their bond hummed contently between them and when their lips met in an even more feverish kiss, Jace couldn’t imagine being apart from Alec ever again. 

There were not many choices you could make in the Shadow World, all the more reason why the ones you could make mattered. Jace and Alec had made their choice the moment they had met. It had just taken them some time to realize. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for leaving kudos or a comment 💙


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